The Journey North

Life Changing – Part 1 of 3

The weekend’s activities beaconed to me as I prepared for my final meeting of the day.  Sports, church, and other commitments danced through my mind as I considered the logistics of getting everyone where they needed to be and when they needed to be there.  Despite my desire to get started on all those activities, a couple of hours reminded in the day.  Luckily, my Friday afternoon appointment included discussing resourcing concerns with one of my favorite people in and out of the workplace. 

As she entered my office and closed the door, I smiled broadly.  With such similar lives and personalities, we are able to cover multiple topics is rapid succession.  We think quickly on our feet, manage multiple activities, have a gaggle of kids at home, and have walked through the fire of divorce to find our wonderful and amazing husbands on the other side.  I knew our little chat would help time move by more quickly.  

Throwing in a bit of small talk before we got down to business, we shared our weekend plans and some recent struggles with difficult teenage boys.  Suddenly, she revealed a secret that left my jaw hanging open and my mind struggling to understand.  All other thoughts fled quickly from my mind.  Speechless (which is excessively rare for me!), I simply stared despite the fact that my response only made her more uncomfortable.

For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.  Mark 4:22 (NIV)

The Announcement

“I have cancer.”  Her statement overwhelmed my senses and my thoughts swirled.  Finally, I stuttered, “When did you find out?”  Slowly, she admitted that she had known for over a week.  I thought back to the nice lunch we shared just a few days ago away from the office and the fact that she hadn’t given me any indication that she faced a life changing event.  I had difficulty wrapping my mind around the discrepancy between her announcement and her behavior.  

“Are you okay?”  The question felt so inadequate for her condition.  Of course she wasn’t okay!  I immediately regretted the question.  Yet, I didn’t have anything better to offer.  Where were all of my eloquent words and quick thoughts?  Had all reason fled me?

“I’m actually doing okay.”  I considered that for a moment and then remembered the reason I like her so much and related to her so easily.  She was just like me. 

Not that I’ve ever faced a similar situation, but my husband will testify that I’m amazing with the big things.  It’s the little daily annoyances that push me to my breaking point.  I felt reasonably certain that I my reaction to such a discovery would be very similar. 

Accepting that fact allowed me to relax a bit and curiosity replace shock.  “How did you find out?” I wondered out loud.  Unperturbed by my question, she thoughtfully shared her unbelievable story. 

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.  Mark 10:27 (NIV)

Return next week as I reveal the shocking turn of events that surrounded her discovery in “Life Changing – Part 2 of 3”.  

Words - How Do You Use Them?

Today, my Friday Fall Favorites guest is one of my favorite bloggers.  Our styles are very similar…probably why I like her so much!  Tammy Karasek is a warm, funny, and entertaining writer.  I’m always excited when I see that she has released a new post on Tickled Pink Tammy.  She is a Christian, wife, mother, and writer.  Tammy sees humor and laughter in every aspect of life and enjoys sharing her adventures with others.  As a lonely child who received much criticism from family, she now uses that experience to reach out and encourage others.  I hope that you will enjoy her writing as much as I do and are inspired by her story!

Words - How Do You Use Them?

Have you ever been hurt by people’s words?  When words are spoken quickly, they can      either edify or tear down.  Yet once spoken, they cannot be retrieved.

I have one of “those” memory banks that are both a blessing and a curse.  You see I tend to remember just about everything.  And I do mean EVERYTHING—both the good and the bad.  The harder I try to forget the bad, the more it seems to commit to staying.  From a small child up to this day, I could probably list off times of hurtful words or situations than my poor writing hand could handle.

Since turning the big “5-0”, I have been purposely trying to go to those memories and one by one shrug my shoulders at it and decide to just let it go.  I’ve tried to see both sides in the word transaction and in most instances see that I’ve thought on it more than it was worth.  I realized that the more I hold the memory, the more the memory holds me…and my heart.

Those hurtful situations are mostly gone from my memory due to my diligence.  But you see it’s those hurtful words.  Ahh – the words spoken to my heart.  Ouch.  They may have come from a loved one or even a dear friend in a heated discussion or just in passing.

Yet they were spoken.

And sadly, remembered.

Then recently I read this verse in my daily quiet time with God.  Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 says:

“Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you—for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.”

WOW!  That’s big.

It tells me to not pay so close attention to every word spoken, because I may hear  “cursing” (or hurtful) words.  Then the second verse says that I know I’ve done this same thing.

What did that say?

Did that just say that I know I’ve done it, too?  No way – not me!  I love words.  I would not do that.  I know that words hurt, so I for sure would not do that.  Or would I?

Yes, it says I’ve done it, too.  Oh, how I did NOT like that.  That smacked me right up side of my think, stubborn head! 

Today, I’d like to encourage you as well as myself.  Those hurtful words are going to be flung at us.  That is a guarantee.  Yet scripture reminds us that we are going to fling ‘em, too!

As I’m learning to “not pay attention to every word people say” as the verse above says, may I encourage you to do the same?  Some words are necessary to hear for our good, but if it seems hurtful, will you give it to God?  Let Him deal with it and not let it consume your heart.  He wants to take our hurts away.  Take the hurtful words to Him.  

And I’m not off the hook either!  I also need to remember to not flippantly throw out those hurtful words to others.  How about you?  What are your thoughts on “Words?”   I’d love to hear what you think.

…and that’s all I have to say about that!

Tammy

Urgent Request: Change – Part 2 of 2

“Hey! I’m stopping by your office to get something out of your car in a few.”  The unexpected announcement in my husband’s text caught me off guard.  While our jobs are relatively close to each other, they aren’t exactly conveniently located.  After almost eight weeks at my new job, this was only the second time he had stopped by.  The first time, I simply unlocked the car from my office while watching him out my window.

With my new found realization that I need to place more effort into our marriage, I decided that today I would go outside to unlock the car door the old-fashioned way.  As I ventured downstairs I considered the ease of simply making time to see him.  My work did not require that I remain chained to my desk.  In fact, they encouraged us to take several breaks throughout the day to reenergize and refocus.  As I greeted my husband with a smile that had him wondering what I was up to, I made a decision. 

Time to Reprioritize

I want to thank everyone for all of your helpful, useful, and practical recommendations.  While I haven’t had a chance to personally respond to each suggestion, you will likely see many of your recommendation lovingly adopted below.  Taking my initial list of responsibilities and commitments, I’ve reprioritized and identified specific actions for getting my days back under some level of managed chaos.  I realize that this post is excessive long, but I wanted to cover everything.  This plan will help with my accountability if I happen to slip a bit in the future.  Here are my plans:

1)    God – Daily bible study, journaling and prayer – No Changes

2)    Marriage – Determinedly, I have moved my marriage up as my 2^nd priority.  So, what does this mean?  Spending more time with my husband, considering and focusing on his needs, and remembering that keeping our marriage strong is necessary for any of our other activities to have any chance at success.  Initially, I hope to have lunch together at least once a week, a date night at least every other week, and daily time talking about something other than who needs to be where when.  Additionally, a much needed and long overdue couple’s vacation is also on the list…preferably before Thanksgiving.  Hey, a girl can hope.

-    In an effort to kick this off right, last night we took the three youngest kids on a walk to the playground.  The lovely temperatures offered a perfect setting for a casual stroll.  It started out rather well as the baby happily took in the scenery from her cozy spot in the stroller and the other two kids excitedly ran ahead.  However, the stubbornness of a rather hard-headed (as my mom often calls him) toddler abruptly disrupted our plans requiring me to leave early.  Half-dragging and half-carrying the obstinate child back to the house; I decided that next time maybe we should just take the baby for a walk. 

3)    Writing – This area is difficult for me.  I truly believe that writing is the path that God wants me to follow; however, cutting back and prioritizing these efforts is necessary.  Here are my changes:

-    My Blog: The Journey North – Reduce the frequency by limiting my daily postings to only Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Through November, Fridays will be provided by a series of guests.  Therefore, starting today (there’s no time like the present) I will only provide two posts per week.  Several people suggested that I take a break from blogging all together.  I seriously considered that option, but as another friend of mine recently mentioned, writing is my outlet.  It is a chance for me to express what I’m feeling and it offers a bit of therapy for me.  So, for now, I’ve decided cutting back is better than taking a break.  However, I’m keeping the other option in my back pocket.

-    Guest Blogging – Limit my guest blogging contributions by not actively seeking opportunities.  I will complete the ones I’m already committed to (I’m a guest on Shannon Milholland’s blog Jesus & My Orange Juice and Rachel Snyder’s blog The Lazy Christian this Friday and there are a couple of others later on).  I will continue to accept requests, but I will not actively seek them.

-    My Book – Actually, I’ve spent very little time on this since I returned from the Proverbs 31 Ministries She Speaks conference in July.  I admit I became rather discouraged when I couldn’t get any of the publishers to even want my (nonexistent, but that’s another story…see my series Let’s Get Naked) proposal.  However, I recently revised the structure of my book during an unexpected moment of insight and I’m feeling the pull to put my heart back into it.  Prayer has confirmed that this is an area where I need to add some focus and energy.

-    Social Media – While maintaining a presence on Facebook and Twitter is necessary to support my writing efforts, I’ve decided to limit my addiction.  Therefore, I’m only allowing myself to access Facebook and Twitter twice a day.  Once during the day while I’m at work and once in the evening while I’m at home.  That’s it.

4)    Work – Continue to leave work at work.  – No Changes

5)    Kids – While this shows up as 5^th on my list, both my husband and I are very involved in our kids’ activities.  The problem is that we have a lot of kids and really everything on my top ten list is very important.  When we blended our family, we set the expectation that the kids would only be able to participate in two activities each.  Since then, we have revised that rule to include, “depending on how much time is involved.”  It did not take us long to realize that all activities are not equal.  The level of effort for some activities (ex: the high school band) greatly exceeded the commitments of others (ex: piano lessons).  Therefore, the kids are already very restricted on the amount of activities they are allowed to have.  However, the necessity for some changes in this area remained.  The result?  The need to reduce my involvement in their activities.  As several people suggested, we decided to get the kids involved.  We talked to the older ones about my stress level and we worked out a solution.

-    For my 13 year old, I explained that I could only attend her home volleyball games.  To my surprise, she hadn’t expected me to attend the out-of-town games.  Well, that was easy.

 -    For my 16 year old, I suggested that maybe I could attend half of the football games and only a few of the band competitions (there’s one each Saturday in October, plus a few more).  The response to my suggestion?  A teenage shrug and some vague response.  Attempting to refrain from rolling my eyes, I clung to the idea that deep down the toddler screaming, “Look at me!” still existed.  Please don’t burst my bubble!  J

6)    Rest – My husband has gotten involved in moving this one up from 10th place.  Clearly, I need to find more moments of rest.  He has adopted more of a proactive effort in helping me find and even encouraging me to take some time for myself.  Over this past weekend, he supported my plans to get my hair done and even recommended that I enjoy lunch and a pedicure!  I hope to add some monthly Girls’ Night Out (with adults) to my list.  Anyone interested?

7)    Chores – This area is always a challenge.  No one in my house desires the level of cleanliness that I dream of.  While getting my kids and husband to improve their efforts, I really needed to work on lowering my expectations.  Additionally, we have a housekeeper that cleans every other week.  I wish she could come every week…who am I kidding?  I wish she could come every day!  But finically, neither of those glorious options is possible at this time.  Anyway, we also got the kids involved in this discussion and expanded the chore list. 

-    Our 16 year old earned his driver’s license last week, so we are hopeful that he will be able to assist in some transportation demands and a bit of grocery shopping. 

8)    Exercise – While getting in some exercise is important, due to our other time constraints my goal is to make a weekly trip to the gym.  It’s not exactly the best workout routine, but it’s better than nothing. 

9)    Church – Continue to attend weekly service and our biweekly couples’ small group bible study. – No Changes

10)    Volunteering – While volunteering is vital to keeping you balanced, the need to reduce my commitments is necessary. 

-    At church, I am going to ask that they remove me from the standard nursery rotation and move me to the special events list (ex: Christmas and Easter).  I haven’t done that just yet, I’m procrastinating.  I know the staff will be disappointed and I hate to disappoint anyone! 

-    As for my band booster club commitments, I’ve decided to ask for help.  I need to find someone (other than my husband) to co-chair our annual Winter Dash.  I haven’t mentioned this to anyone yet, but several of my band moms read my blog.  They either knew this was coming or they do now.  Of course, there is always the possibility that they got tired of reading today’s blog and didn’t get this far…wink. 

-    The biggest issue I have is the need to learn how to, not only say “no”, but also to stop jumping up and volunteering!  I’m horrible about that!!

Okay, so that’s it.  I’m shocked if you made it this far and I totally appreciate everyone who didn’t!  As with all of my blogs, I can’t leave without a bible verse to inspire me.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:25 (NIV)

For those that made it to the end of this embarrassingly long post, thank you.  Keep the suggestions coming!

Urgent Request: Change – Part 1 of 2

I struggled with finishing my last series I’ve Got it All Figured Out.  It seemed like every time I began to feel that things were finally back on track, some situation arose that demonstrated how far away I actually am from finding balance and renewal. 

Generally, I feel that most things in my life would fall well into an episode of the Cosby Show (for us older folk) or Parenthood (for those who are…well…older.  Dang…I saw that going differently).  Anyway, you get my point.  Things go bad, humor lessens the impact, and life ends with hugs and understanding all crammed within the space of an hour or less. 

Unfortunately, it seems like lately I can’t quite reach the ending plateau of peace and happiness.  Instead of returning to that comfortable zone of normal, I seem to remain on the verge of catastrophe.  The need for change has become so tangible that I can feel it clinging to me wherever I go and in whatever I’m doing.  Yet, I resist.  The question is why? 

Normally, I am a person who embraces change.  The various jobs and houses that I have discarded over the past ten years clearly demonstrate this quirk in my personality.  My sister often explains it this way. 

She’s in the paddleboat working her way down the stream of life and I’m doing circles and jumping waves in my speedboat while waving wildly at her and encouraging her to jump on board. 

However, lately I feel paralyzed and unable to make any changes.  Recent events and my state of mind scream of the necessity to do things differently.  However, as I consider my responsibilities, commitments, and time management, there simply aren’t any easy or obvious solutions. 

The thing is I spend very little time participating in frivolous activities.  In fact, I have eliminated almost all opportunities to relax, renew and refuel.  I keep pouring out, but there just isn’t enough time to fill back up.  This situation has been growing for some time now.  However, I’ve consciously chosen to ignore the signs.  Now, I can’t resist the feeling that disaster lurks behind every corner.  It has become exceedingly clear that I need to make a change. 

In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for he grants sleep to those he loves.  Psalm 127:2 (NIV)

Over the weekend, I decided to tackle the task of deciding what to change.  I began by simply listing the areas and interests in my life.  Second, I prioritized them based on the effort I put in and the significance I place on these activities during my normal day.  Finally, I added the specific activities and commitments in each of these areas.  The results revealed both good and bad insights.  Here’s what I came up with: 

1. God – daily bible study, journaling and prayer (Yea! Time with God should be first and it is.)
2. Writing – blog posts Monday through Friday, guest blogging, writing my book, facebook, twitter, blog design and the occasional article (Hmmm…I know that when I’m writing I’m following God’s plan for me, but…there’s a lot of stuff here.)
3. Work – fulltime fast-paced work environment and a boss that I just can’t seem to please (The family needs to eat.  Not sure what I can do about this.  I do leave work at work.  That’s something.)
4. Kids – volleyball games, various lessons, football games, band competitions, and playtime (With six kids this list is rather extensive, so I just captured the ones that take up the most time.  The kids notice when I’m there and when I’m not.  What to do?)
5. Chores – groceries, dinner, laundry, cleaning, baths, bedtime, etc. (I would gladly give every one of these up, but alas it is not to be…)
6. Church – attend weekly service and biweekly couples small group bible study (Good stuff, but most of this is good stuff)
7. Volunteering – nursery at church, organizing the band’s 10k, 5k, and family fun run, and several other events (More good stuff.  I have commitments here where people are relying on me and I don’t want to disappointment them.)
8. Marriage – rare night out and limited intimacy (Ouch…this shouldn’t be so far down my list.)
9. Exercise – rare (To quote Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, “Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people don’t kill their husbands…They just don’t!”  I definitely need more of this!)
10. Rest – nonexistent (What more can I say??)

I found it comforting that God did make the top of my list.  However, the fact that my marriage rated eighth left my feeling rather ashamed.  One thing became vividly clear.  I can’t maintain this level of focus and commitment.  I needed to make some immediate changes.  It’s obvious that I need to add some activities and reprioritize my time.  Yet, I struggled with the how.  I took my question and turned to prayer for the answer.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Luke 11:9-10 (NIV)

What would you do?  I’m happily accepting suggestions and recommendations.  How do you balance your life?

Return later this week (I’ve learned to stop promising tomorrow!) and I’ll reveal the hard choices and how I plan to make them happen in “Urgent Request for Change – Part 2 of 2”.

I’ve Got It All Figured Out – Part 3 of 3

Shame occupied my thoughts and my dreams.  By morning, the bags under my eyes announced my sleeplessness.  Staring at the clock I felt the pressure of the day rest firmly on my shoulders.  In contrast, the soft snores to my right alerted me to the fact that my husband continued to sleep peacefully. 

Over the monitor, I heard the baby playing happily in her bed.  Yet, before rising to face the day I prayed and asked for guidance and comfort.  Most of all, I begged for forgiveness for my un-Christian outbursts from the day before.  I yearned for relief, but I didn’t know how to find it.

Pray that the Lord your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do.  Jeremiah 42:3 (NIV)

God Offers Comfort and Perspective

Dragging myself out of bed, I began cataloguing all of the apologies I would need to extend this morning.  As I headed to out to collect the baby, I dreaded the need to begin my Sunday morning routine.  Her eyes lit up as I entered the room.  She immediately crawled over to the edge of her crib, pulled herself up by the railings and then extended her arms to me with gleeful enthusiasm.  Her innocent and complete acceptance brought a tear to my eye.  I didn’t feel worthy of her trust and affection.  Yet, she yearned for me to hold her close.  I gently scooped her up cradled her close to my heart. 

Within moments she struggled against my firm hug and twisted to get down and play.  Wiping a couple of lingering tears from my cheek, I laid her down, changed her diaper and then carried her to the kitchen to prepare her morning bottle.  She babbled cheerfully as I poured the milk and then reached out longingly as I fastened the top.  I couldn’t resist teasing her, “You better enjoy this.  The days of receiving a morning bottle are limited.  Becoming a big girl means moving to a cup.”  Slurping her milk, she babbled a response along the lines of “Yea, right.”

Moving to the living room, we curled up on the couch and I clicked the news on.  Just then, the other birthday girl and her friends bounced down the stairs.  Hearing their footsteps, I dreaded facing them.  What did they think of my outburst last night?  Bracing myself as they rounded the corner, I offered a “Good morning, girls.”  The girls offered brief acknowledgements as they launched into a request for donuts.   To my surprise and immense relief, they displayed no scars or damage from the night before. 

Feeling the need to make amends, I discarded my plans for breakfast and agreed to head out for an acceptable morning opportunity for more sugar.  The girls squealed with delight and asked if they could play with the baby.  I handed over the gurgling baby who promptly dropped her bottle in favor of climbing on the floor with the girls and I headed out.

During the drive, I considered the gifts that my birthday girls had eagerly and unconditionally offered.  Yes, my 11 year old and her friends persistently begged for donuts; however, their forgiveness had not been a bribe for receiving pastry delights.   Their actions led me back to my early morning prayer for God’s forgiveness and my self-imposed need to feel worthy to even ask for his forgiveness.   

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.  Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV)

God’s Grace

Its funny how God’s words often comes to you at the most unexpected moments and unusual places, like sitting in the drive-through at the donut shop.  In my efforts to be worthy of asking forgiveness, I forgot that God’s grace doesn’t depend me or my efforts.  In fact, just the opposite is true.  God’s grace can not be earned through being a good person.  His love is unconditional and His grace is freely given.  This renewed knowledge both inspired and humbled me.   

Returning home, I discovered my husband in the kitchen making coffee.  My acceptance of God’s love helped me to understand that I needed to make amends with him.  With humility and a sincere heart, I apologized for my behavior.  Unfortunately, his forgiveness needed time.  My outbursts had left him feeling disrespected and embarrassed.  I cringed as I replayed the events from the night before in my mind.  I had chastised him harshly in front of not only our children, but also in front of our daughter’s friends.  His scars ran deep.  Swallowing the bitter taste of pride, I tried to respect his need for time.  

God’s gentle hand continued to guide us as we entered church later that morning.  Communion cups were distributed as we entered the auditorium.  During the service, our preacher reminded us that we needed to get straight with God before taking communion.  During the moment of silence that followed, I prayed.  I thanked God for reminding me that His grace could not be earned.  I asked for guidance and assistance in keeping my anger and impatience in check.  Finally, I asked that He work on my husband’s heart and help him to find a way to forgive me for my behavior.

After taking communion, the preacher ended with prayer.  Closing my eyes, I listened intently to his prayer.  Suddenly, I felt my husband’s hand cover warmly over mine and he squeezed gently.  Tears slid down my cheek as I accepted his forgiveness.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.  Ezekiel 36:26a (NIV)

I’ve Got It All Figured Out – Part 2 of 3

“Time for birthday cake!” my husband happily announced.  The thundering sound of quickly moving footsteps matched the anxious beating of my heart. 

I wasn’t ready.

Grabbing as many of the various dirty dishes and trash as I could, I tried to focus on the celebrator nature of blowing out candles for two of my lovely daughters.  However…

I wasn’t ready!

Earlier, my teenager desperately attempted to clean up the kitchen after the disaster I created thanks to the cake catastrophe and my unflattering behavior.  However, my version of clean differs slightly from hers.  Returning home after my sudden trip to the grocery store (for the 3^rd time that day), I took a deep breath and finished the job, put the cupcakes in the oven, and pasted a smile on my face as the party guests arrived.

While my husband napped (he did get up extra early that morning with the little ones and he did go to the crazy bulk grocery store with me), I greeted parents, collected contact information, assured them that everything would fine, and ushered the girls upstairs to primp for the movies.  

With a quick shower, wet hair thrown into a half-hearted bun, and cupcakes whisked out of the oven to cool, we arrived at the theater just in time.  Popcorn, drinks, candy, and carefully selected seats rounded out our efforts as the movie began.  Yet, my anxiety refused to subside and the shame from loosing my temper lingered.

While the girls enjoyed the movie, it became a practice in patience for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I covertly checked the clock and mentally catalogued all of the things that still required my attention when we returned home.  The girls skipped excitedly to the car and check movies off of my mental to-do list.

Entering the house, my jaw dropped and tears quickly pooled in my eyes.  “I made dinner for me and the rest of kids while you were gone,” my husband proudly announced.  While he excitedly waited for my thankful reply, I just wanted to sit on the floor, throw my hands up in defeat, and cry until all the tears stored up in me had fallen.  The kitchen revealed the battle scars of my husband’s good intentions.  Every counter, the kitchen table, and even the floor bore evidence of his efforts.

The birthday gifts placed lovingly and carefully on the island now towered precariously over my precious uniced cupcakes as items had been pushed together to make room for the evening meal preparations.  I hardly knew where to begin.  “The cupcakes…,” I breathlessly whispered.  Misunderstanding, my husband excitedly called for the kids to come to the kitchen for birthday cake.

As the kids entered the kitchen, I angrily announced, “I’m not ready!”  A deafening pause and then a quick retreat confirmed their understanding.  However, my husband looked at me in shock and with a complete lack of comprehension.  

At that point, my mind moved beyond the world of reason.  I cleaned dishes, counters, floors, and the highchair.  I iced the cupcakes, inserted candles, and rearranged the gifts.  However, my movements firmly announced the fact that I no longer retained any rational or reasonable thoughts.

Have you ever had those moments when your rational side battles with the hysterical side on a mental battlefield that no man could ever survive?

The thing is I knew I was acting all crazy and I wanted to stop.  Yet, I felt helpless to control my action.  I just didn’t have any mental strength left to logically consider the situation.  My circumstances measured small in comparison to issues other people face around the world.  Unfortunately, that realization only made me feel worse.  The fact that I couldn’t even deal with a child’s birthday party when others don’t even have enough food, made me feel incompetent and compounded my feelings of shame.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23 (NIV)

Trying my best not to completely ruin my daughter’s party, I struggle to rein in my anger.  Placing a forced smile on my face, I called for my husband to collect the children for cake and presents.  Hesitantly, he asked me if I was ready.  Grinding my teeth, I confirmed it was time.

Somehow, we presented a festive atmosphere for the kids.  My tween blew out her candles and then helped our 1 year old received lots of help in blowing out her’s.  Pizza and cake smoothed any lingering thoughts of earlier issues for the kids.  

Moving to the living room for presents, both the tween and the baby happily tore off wrapping paper to reveal their new finds.  Collecting their treasures, the kids ran upstairs to try everything out.  Glancing around the room, I struggled to accept wake of disaster left behind.  Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I decided to take the Scarlet O’Hara approach and simply deal with it tomorrow.

Leaving my husband to put the little ones to bed, I headed to my room and firmly shut the door.  Finally alone in the dark, I struggled to accept my overwhelming failure.  I wanted to pray, but I didn’t.  Shame, incompetence, and failure reinforced my feeling of unworthiness.  I didn’t deserve forgiveness, at least not yet.  Apologies need to be offered first and, the truth is, I was still very angry.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.  2 Corinthians 5:10 (NIV)

Saturday night I reached a very low point in how I viewed myself and my actions.  However, Sunday morning offered grace and forgiveness.  Return tomorrow for the conclusion of “I’ve Got It All Figured Out – Part 3 of 3” as God lovingly plants the seed of hope in my heart.

I’ve Got It All Figured Out – Part 1 of 3

Angrily, I threw the mixing bowl in the sink and flinched as I watched the cake batter fly unhindered landing on the various kitchen surfaces.  I felt tears burning the backs of my eyes and abruptly turned marching out of the kitchen and into my bedroom to retrieve my purse.  Startled, my husband jumped quickly to his feet as I announced my sudden plans to leave.  Slamming the door to our bedroom, I headed back through the kitchen while my teary-eyed teen dodged my footsteps.  Dazed and confused, my husband followed me out of the bedroom.  His awkward attempts to delay my departure failed miserably as I slammed yet another door in my desire to quickly leave the house and express my anger.  Somewhat satisfied, I left my daughter to explain the catastrophe.  Suddenly, I heard the baby cry.  Pausing briefly, I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as the tears began to flow down my cheeks.

Failure…Complete and Utter Failure

White knuckles gripped the steering wheel and several additional angry tears fell unheeded into my lap as I made my way to the grocery store.  At home, my wake of disaster announced the hard truth.  The ugly, dark side of me had wakened yet again. 

Pulling carefully into a parking spot apart from the rest of the cars, I leaned my head against the steering wheel.  Shame, disappointment, and failure coiled tightly around my heart.  A single thought lodged firmly in my mind.  “I am the worst mom ever!”  As I recalled the series of events leading to my downfall, I realized I should add “worst wife ever” to the growing list of incompetencies.

Earlier that day, my husband and I had ventured into Houston for some bulk grocery shopping at one of those warehouse places.  My husband hates shopping of any kind, but the weekend crowds at these stores tends to earn a top spot in his list of dislikes.  Therefore, this trip granted him several of additional husband points in my book.

Chatting happily, our drive offered a much needed break from the various demands of our many children.  Taking a trip, even to the store, easily counted as achieving precious and often neglected couple time.  Rubbing his neck gently as he drove (I’m such a good wife), he mentioned that when reading my blog I gave him the perception I have it all figured out.  I paused and then laughed at the bizarre possibility.  

Nothing could be further from the truth!

“Well, I have gotten better since we met.”  I reasoned.  The sidelong glance from my doubtful husband spoke loudly of his dissent.  His neck rub now completely forgotten, I began listing various self-improvements I’ve accomplished over the years.  “I hardly loose my temper anymore,” I explained as a final piece of evidence of my turnaround.  His raised eyebrows continued his shout of his extreme doubt in my abilities.

“I’m sure you’ve improved some.”  Highly offended, I demanded that he name the last time I lost my temper.

Hours later, the proof he needed landed squarely in his lap.  As I sat in the parking lot, self condemnation fell heavily on my shoulders.  Despite my best efforts, my husband was right.  The reality of that fact almost overwhelming all sense of reason. 

Would I ever become a better wife, mother…person?

Briefly, I considered reaching out to God for help.  Yet, I felt completely unworthy of his forgiveness.

Despite my knowledge that his grace can not be earned, I still felt that I needed to be worthy.  My actions did not make me worthy…not…at…all.

…”There is no one righteous, not even one…All have turned away; they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.”  Romans 3:10, 12 (NIV)

So, I hid from God and held my shame tightly against me. 

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  Genesis 3:8 (NIV)

Pulling myself somewhat together, I headed into the grocery store with determination, collected the items I needed, and headed back to the house.  Yet, my failure came with me wrapped tightly around my heart.  

Return tomorrow as I continue to share the depths of my failure in “I’ve Got It All Figured Out – Part 2 of 3.”  Loosing my temper one more time before the day comes to an end, my shame grows and my faith is shaken.

It’s Time to Rest

“Do you have time to skype?” The question innocently asked, yet completely beyond my comprehension.  Briefly shaking my head to clear my mind, I glance down at my iphone to read my mom’s text once again.  Do I have time?  Sigh…  How to phrase my response?  

1) “No” – Short and effective, yet it needed something…well…more.  

2) “Not a chance!” – Hmm…much more descriptive of my feelings; however, it still didn’t accurately describe the situation.

Then, inspiration!

3) “Well, tonight we have Meet the Teacher at daycare. We need to pick up kids from volleyball, band, and church.  Then, of course, there is dinner, laundry, baths, and bedtime.  Are you tired yet?” – Yes, this text would do quite nicely.

After settling on my response and sending it quickly back to my mom, I regretted my impulsive decision.  “Yes!” My mom’s immediate response simply stated.  Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I realized that it wasn’t fair to take my frustration and overwhelming feelings about my day out on my mom.  I glanced down at my iphone again as her second text came through.  “Ok, some other time.”  Sigh…  Tomorrow, I promised myself, I will make it up to her.

Star Gazing

Evening had arrived, yet my day relentlessly continued as I sat impatiently in my car waiting for my 13 year old daughter and her friend to emerge from their small group at church.  Looking at the clock, I tried to let go of the anxiety building in my blood.  Didn’t she understand that I still had an entire list of activities and chores that needed my attention?  Yet, as the seconds fell quickly into minutes I realized that wishing they would finish on time for once simply wasn’t going to happen.

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the seat and prayed.  God, please…  Please, what?  What exactly did I want Him to do? 

Despite the short work week thanks to the Labor Day holiday, my burden seemed almost insurmountable to achieve.  Feeling restless as I waited, I rolled down the windows to allow the soft breeze to blow gently through the car.  As I took a deep breath, inspiration encouraged me to open the sunroof, turn off the engine, and lean my seat back so that I could gaze at the stars in silence while I continued to wait.  Chris Tomlin’s Indescribable song floated gently through my mind. 

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name…

Reflectively, I considered the significant weight of responsibilities that left me feeling overwhelmed and completely unprepared to face the next day.  Between my job, family, church, volunteering, and writing, time simply slipped through my fingers.  Multi-tasking became a necessity.  Yet, here I sat in my car waiting…accomplishing nothing.

Disheartened, I continued to stare at the stars urging them to tell me the answer to my unknown question.  What did I need?  I couldn’t even settle on an appropriate request to place before Jesus.  Yet, I could feel His presence urging me to listen.

Balance.  Rest.  Peace.

Sigh…  They seemed so far out of reach.  Which ball did I need to release in order to achieve such elusive concepts?

Be still.  Rest.

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.  Genesis 2:2-3 (NIV) underline added

Despite the whispered thoughts, I continued to struggle against the need to be doing something. While my heart accepted the gift of simply sitting here waiting, my body struggled to adjust.  How, Jesus?  How do I get there?

Just be still.  Stop asking questions.  Rest your mind and relax.

Taking several deep breaths, I focused my mind on the lyrics of Indescribable…All powerful, untameable, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim You are amazing God.  

Moments passed and my body began to relax and my mind rested.  Finally, I embraced the gift of waiting for my daughter.

He made the earth by his power; he founded the world by his wisdom and stretched out the heavens by his understanding.  When he thunders, the waters in the heavens roar; he makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth.  He sends lightning with the rain and brings out the wind from his storehouses.  Jeremiah 51:15-16 (NIV)

Letting Him Lead

I know that you are impatiently waiting to read the conclusion of “Queasy Stomach – Part 2 of 2” today.  Okay, at least in my mind you are.  Unfortunately, I’ve been rather ill for the past couple of days…probably related to my experience with my toddler Friday night.  Sigh.  So, you are going to have to wait a little longer.  Maybe I’ll give you a surprise posting over the weekend…

Today, I am excited to present our first guest blogger for my new series Friday Fall Favorites. 

Rachel Snyder is the author of TheLazyChristian.com.  I had the immense pleasure of meeting her during my experience with the She Speaks conference this past July.  While I’m a novice at writing and blogging, Rachel is an expert!  As a Christian, wife, mother, author, and blogger, she has her hands full.  I hope that you will enjoy her visit!

Letting Him Lead - by Rachel Snyder

My husband has started taking me ballroom dancing. It was his idea.

Settle down, ladies. He's taken.

Dancing has always been my thing. That's probably why he thought to suggest it. I'm not a dancer, per se, but I like to dance. I've been in musicals, taken a few classes. My phys ed credit in college was Intro to Tap Dancing. Holla!

So I like to dance. I've done it before. It's all new to my darling husband. He researched the dance studios, he found a coupon for a free lesson, and I made the appointment. You know, because chicks keep the social calendars.

When we showed up for our first lesson, I was so excited to go out dancing. I felt like we were grown-ups! Dinner and dancing, just like in the movies! We met our instructor and he started teaching us some basic dance steps.

We're awesome. I mean, not Dancing-With-the-Stars quality just yet, but pretty good for beginners. Colton praises us up and down, and he even teaches us more advanced moves than he'd typically teach newbies, since we're doing so well. We've been going to lessons for almost a month now. We can do hustle, swing, and rumba with several turns, and the basic steps of waltz, foxtrot, salsa, samba, and tango, each with two turns. Not bad!

Sunday afternoon, my husband and I took time to practice. He's big on practicing. He likes to feel prepared. What struck me during our practice is how far we've come when it comes to leading.

At first, dancing was my thing. In my head, anyway. My poor husband couldn't possibly know what he's doing, I thought. I don't want him to fail or get frustrated, so I'll help. I found myself leading every dance. Not by his choice, but by my force. I'm not even sure he noticed. I'd gently push or pull him into the steps. I'd dictate when it was time to start the dance with my step instead of waiting for his.

While we were dancing on Sunday, I realized that he leads now and he knows the difference when I try to lead. He gives me an admonishing look and then pulls me back into place. For turns, he sends me out and pulls me back in. Now that he's getting good, he can stick turns in whenever he wants! Willy-nilly and helter-skelter! I don't know what's coming next, so I have to watch for his cues and do my part when the time comes. I feel good when he's leading, and he seems to enjoy dancing more now that I allow him to lead.

It's a perfect metaphor for our marriage.

My husband is the leader. Yes, it's a partnership, but, ultimately, he's called to be the leader of our household. I'm kind of a strong-willed individual. Sometimes it's difficult for me to trust that he'll take care of me, since I've always been used to taking care of myself. I need to learn to watch his cues and go with him instead of against him. When both of us try to lead, we end up stepping on each other's toes. When he's filling the role God ordained for him and when I'm allowing him to fill that role without hesitation he's successful. He's happy. He feels respected and loved. And what wife doesn't want her husband to feel like that?

I think we're really going to like dancing. Watch for us on Dancing With the Stars. In ten years or so...

Best Workplace Ever! – Part 3 of 3

“This will be a low stress week.  Just focus on getting to know the staff and we’ll talk when I get back.  Oh, and be sure to come hungry.  We love to feed the new people.” 

Come Hungry

After chatting briefly with my new boss just days before starting my new job, her parting remark continued to linger.  “Be sure to come hungry.”  Puzzled by this rather strange and unusual comment, especially from the corporate world, I had difficulty accepting the validity of this simple gesture.  It’s not as if I haven’t been offered free food by previous employers.  Periodically, lunch had been provided by management.  However, pizza and deli sandwiches tended to rule and even then these meals were grudgingly offered and often with strong disapproval of the Finance Department who considered this activity an unnecessary luxury. 

Little did I realize that this small off-handed remark provided a glimpse into the culture of my new company.  Food quickly became an underlying theme to this organization’s success shocking my preconceived notions of how a company can achieve success and maintain it.

On my first day, lunch plans occupied many of my morning conversations as I met various members of the staff.  Promptly at 11:30 AM, several people congregated in the common area in preparation for our adventure.  Dividing up into various cars, eleven of us headed eagerly out into the Texas heat on a quest for exceptional food. 

We arrived at a nearby Cajun restaurant, quickly ordered, and were seated.  I carried my purse expecting to pay for my own meal.  I smiled in acceptance as my French tour guide exclaimed, “No, no.  We will cover your lunch.”  I appreciated the thoughtful gift of friendship on my first day.  To my complete shock, I realized that everyone’s meal had been included in the final bill.  Curiously, I asked who was paying.  Imagine my surprise at learning that the entire bill had been covered by the company credit card.  I couldn’t resist wondering if the Finance Department knew about this.

Despite my struggling to understand the blatant generosity of the company, I began to realize the benefits of their unconventional approach.  My colleagues insisted that I sit in the center of the table and I happily chatted with everyone as we dined.  By the time we left, I knew everyone’s name and a bit about each person. 

In the same way, good deeds are obvious, and even those that are not obvious cannot remain hidden forever.  1 Timothy 5:25 (NIV)

Returning to the office, I marveled at the result.  Everyone’s comfort level with me and my comfort level with them had significantly increased during the lunch hour.  Normally, it takes me weeks or months to get to know people outside of my specific function.  This lunch had reduced that time to less than a day.

Throughout my first week, lunch plans continued to be part of my daily routine.  Each day I dined with a different set of people in the office.  By the end of the week, I was shocked to realize that I knew most people by name.   As my husband will happily confirm, I am horrible with names so this achievement was exceptionally unusual! 

In addition to knowing their names, they had obtained a comfort level with me that allowed them to confidently stop by my office to share their concerns about work processes and their hopes that I would be able to help. 

Accepting the success of their approach, I incorrectly assumed that additional lunches would be rare.  Instead, this was just the beginning.  By the end of my third week, I had happily attended two farewell lunches, a new employee lunch (for another new employee), and two lunches that had been combined with training sessions.  Paying for my own lunch became more of the exception, than the rule.

However, the food train doesn’t stop there.  As the snappy dresser had shared during my interview (When God Provides), the break room contained a variety of breakfast items, snacks, candy, and various other food possibilities.  In addition, the refrigerator revealed a variety of beverage options from sodas (brand name, not generic), Gatorade, juices, and milk (presumably for the cereal). 

The amount and availability of food and drinks overwhelmed my senses.  I couldn’t resist thinking, “I’m going to be sooo fat working here!”  Looking around me, the evidence of that result did not confirm my suspicions.  Instead, these people looked super fit and active.  I struggled to wrap my mind around the contradictions that defined my office.

As I sat at my desk last Friday morning considering whether I should stop by and pick up a late morning snack from the break room.  I received an email invitation.  I opened it up and blinked.  Sitting up a bit straighter (my ergonomics assessor would be so proud of my posture!), my smile widened as I read.  A birthday celebration had been planned for this afternoon and I had been formally invited to attend.

Over the years, I have attended various office parties.  Each provided a sweet escape, but they often became uncomfortable and staff quickly departed with cake in hand to return to their desks.  Not here.  As with everything else in this amazing company, parties possess a special charm. 

Our dessert included a variety of amazing cake balls.  Door prizes containing gift cards, music, and ping pong contributed to the success of the event.  Staff lingered with the approval of management.  The companionship and camaraderie was easy to see and warmed my heart.  People genuinely enjoyed working here. 

Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people.  Ephesians 6:7 (NIV)

While I have shared some of the shocking freedoms and luxuries offered at my new job.  It is only fair to warn you that the staff has definitely adopted an attitude of “Work Hard, Play Hard.”  I have yet to see anyone who seemed bored, lazy, or unoccupied.  I haven’t even witnessed any staff ideally surfing the web.  Instead, the office is full of energy and direction.  Their true desire for teamwork, open communication, and collaboration is enviable.  I guess this is what happens when people actually like working for a company and feel valued and important.  They have certainly gone a long way in changing my perspective.  How about yours?

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.  Hebrews 6:7 (NIV)